Tuesday, March 27, 2012


That infographic was interesting, but the most disturbing thing was that people who sleep only 6 hours a night could gain 14 pounds a year.

Does that make sense to you? It doesn't make sense to me. Unless the extra hours awake are spent eating. Then maybe. Do you burn calories when you sleep? You can lose weight if you sleep through meals maybe.

I think most of the statistics in that infographic may be misleading. You have to consider the details. What kind of people sleep less? What types of freaks and degenerates skew the statistics? Tweakers and drug addicts come to mind. Increased chance of heart disease? If you wake up early to shoot some heroin, I'm thinking that might affect the numbers.

Yesterday while reading the comments on Tony BigCharles' blog, some guy that calls himself "Shrink" posted that he'd never date a woman who had over a certain percentage of body fat. His point was that Tony had no right to dismiss a potential date because of her weight when Tony himself is a mess. Shrink himself was a fitness nut, so being picky about a woman's figure is his right.

Fuck that guy, he's a fucking asshole. Being skinny doesn't make people automatically attractive. If you're skinny and you're an asshole, YOU'RE JUST A SKINNY ASSHOLE.

Shrink is missing out on all the good women anyway, which is fine, more for the rest of us. He can go fuck his weight bench and get ready for his Jersey Shore audition. I mean if you're into fitness and being healthy, that's great. But if you think that's all that matters, go fuck yourself.

To automatically dismiss someone just because of something superficial like having a few extra pounds makes you a HORRENDOUS person. A lot of people are genetically disadvantaged. So they are unacceptable no matter how cool or sweet or awesome they are? Fuck you! They might work twice as hard as you to get to where they are. You're the lazy turd in that case.

I'm not saying people should be fat and unhealthy. But Jesus, give people a break! Life is difficult. There's a reason why so many people are overweight. It's our society, it's how life works. Being overweight is too easy in our culture. We're predisposed to it. We're evolutionarily screwed. We over eat by instinct. We're like a car gas tank that you can overfill. We put in 30 gallons when we need 20, and we attempt to shed the extra by driving around the block a million times. But some of us don't have the time or the willpower to do the driving.

And the last thing people need is some twenty-something douchebag who has the time to spend all day in the gym spouting off about his body-fat index standards. You're just another kind of moralizer. You're automatically concluding that someone is a bad person or lazy just because they have some extra pounds. You're probably wrong, and you're definitely cruel and just plain stupid.

Attraction has so much more entailed than simply someone's physical appearance. If you aren't able to learn that you're in for a difficult life of disappointment. I don't like to generalize, but in my experience fat people are nicer than skinny people. I have definitely come across a few skinny good looking people who think the world owes them something. I knew an NFL cheerleader that liked it when people called her "princess." She was a shallow fucking bitch that got pissed off when guys didn't lick her toes at every opportunity. Not all skinny people are like that, but I don't know any fat people who are.

It's not really this stupid guy's fault either. Every 22-year old guy thinks he wants a supermodel. Because Playboy told him so. Or some other reference that's not obsolete because I'm OLD! But those women don't really exist, and if they did you probably wouldn't want to be near them anyway.

And women? If you think you are attractive just because you're skinny, you're just like guys who think they are attractive because they're rich. All you'll get is guys who only care about your weight, and all those guys get is women who only care about money. Congrats.

Yes, being healthy and good looking is important. So is having enough money and being able to provide. But it should never be the only consideration. If it is, you suck.

Who Needs Sleep?

Sunday, March 25, 2012

125 Things

I actually did a "100 Things" post seven years ago. Many of the things I posted in my 25 things are almost exactly the same as in the 100 things. No major contradictions, except maybe about being a picky eater.


I had a pretty funny wtf moment this morning. When I was taking my bath this week the bulb in the recessed lighting above the tub burned out. Of course it went out when I was washing my hair with my eyes closed, so when I opened my eyes it was pitch dark and I was like "What the hell? Did I go blind?"

So I decided to replace the bulb this morning. I needed a step ladder because the ceiling is really high. I have a tall one and a short one but I thought the short one would work. I had to put the ladder inside the tub and stand on the second-top step to be able to reach the fixture. So there I was, wearing nothing but boxer briefs and an Atlanta Braves T-shirt precariously balanced high above a steel covered in porcelain bathtub trying to change a light bulb. If I had fallen I have no idea what the person who eventually discovered my corpse would think. Did this guy do all his home repairs nearly naked?

Saturday, March 24, 2012

25 Things About Me

1. When I was a kid I wanted to be a sports photographer. I gave it a shot and it didn't work out.

2. My favorite shoes are Vans, I have dozens of pairs. I don't skate, I just think they're comfortable and cool looking.

3. I'm the youngest of 2. My brother lives in New Hampshire and has two children. He is a lot smarter than me, but also nerdier. Which makes him VERY nerdy.

4. My mother has had dozens of strokes in her life due to a medical condition where blood clots don't break up in her blood stream. Her first came just after I was born.

5. My father is retired and my parents live in an RV and travel around the country. They seem to like it. They have wanted to do it as long as I can remember.

6. I love television. If I like a show I can watch reruns of it endlessly.

7. I quit listening to the radio, but I listen to Adam Carolla's podcast every day.

8. I have no tattoos and 99% of those I have seen are gross.

9. I have a degree in philosophy. I love logic and reason.

10. My favorite places to visit are Las Vegas, NV and Memphis, TN.

11. When I was 4 my father took me to a bar where I fell down and cut my chin which needed stitches. You can still see the scar on my adorable double chin. I believe me father took shit for it for years.

12. When I lose my temper I usually realize halfway through my rant that I'm being irrational. This usually doesn't stop me.

13. I make a lot more money than I ever expected to. I planned on being poor but things rarely go as planned.

14. I like dogs more than cats. I like dogs more than most people.

15. I got my first pet at age 30.

16. I'm not a very hairy person. I usually only shave my face twice a week or so, and my chest is almost totally hairless.

17. My favorite musical artist is Elliott Smith. I am still upset that he killed himself.

18. I have never had sex at MY workplace. I am not saying I haven't had sex at someone's workplace. In a walk in freezer. I am not saying that.

19. I consider myself a picky eater, but there's no food I won't eat. I feel like I have peculiar tastes. I do think that most of the people I know have the diet of 10 year old children. There are actually chicken finger restaurants now.

20. I think the food I cook, when I take my time and do it right, is better than what you can get in 90% of restaurants. I may only cook a dozen dishes, but they are all outstanding.

21. I am upset at Alton Brown for ending the show Good Eats on the Food Network. I learned almost everything I know about cooking from that show.

22. I recently started drinking once in a while after work with the guys. Before this I may have gone without drinking more than one drink at a time for 10 years.

23. One of the reasons I've lost weight over the last nine months is that I cannot tell the difference between being hungry and being stressed out, and I was under a lot of stress recently. Now that it's over I'm trying to continue the trend by controlling portions and eating healthier food.

24. My real name is Douglas, but I prefer Doug or Duggle. My other favorite Douglas is Douglas Adams, who was a bona fide genius. I have been a George Clooney fan since he played Dr. Doug Ross on ER.

25. I love children. Other peoples'. I don't have children because I never wanted to have children.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Strip Club


 I have never been to a strip club.

I never really thought that was unusual until I asked around, and I daresay I've never met another man my age or younger who has never been to a strip club at least once. Even my most religious friends have a story, usually about a friend that dragged them there or a bachelor party they were compelled to attend.

I certainly don't have any moral objection to strip clubs. If guys want to spend their money there and they think it's worthwhile, good for them. I like boobs as much as any guy (perhaps even more) so I certainly understand the attraction. I absolutely do not think I have any moral superiority because I have never been. I don't really have the ability to suspend disbelief enough to be turned on by a woman that's primarily interested in my wallet. Some guys say that's all women, but I respectfully disagree.

I really think I just missed my opportunity. When I was young and horny (as opposed to old and horny like now) I probably would not have avoided going to see naked women. But I didn't really hang out with "strip club" guys. I hung out with "Dungeons and Dragons" guys. And there was nothing hipster cool about being a D&D nerd in the 80s.

I did go to a porno store in Washington DC once that had those booths where you put money in and girls danced behind glass. I was dragged there by some friends! There may have been a bachelor party involved! I would say I've never been more uncomfortable in my life. I didn't go into the booths, I just browsed the dildos on the shelves from afar and high tailed it out of there.

So basically the reason I never went to a strip club is that I was never invited to go to one. Nothing dramatic. More likely pathetic.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Stripper Story

Okay, I had no idea there was a "Hooker Week" or a "Stripper Week" or anything like that going on. I think I'm reading the wrong blogs. Nobody I follow posts anymore. I miss all my poker blogging buddies. I think they all quit their poker blogs and moved onto some other blogs that I don't know about. Or they just Twitter, which is cool. If you have a blog in my blogroll and would like it changed to some other link, let me know and I'll do it. As it is that list is pretty pathetic.

When I heard about hooker and stripper stories I counted myself out because I've never actually recognized a hooker, even in Vegas, and I've never actually been to a strip club. So I must not know any good stories. But! I remembered a story and told someone about it and they said I MUST post it. So here goes.

I went to one bachelor party in my life. My friend's sister was getting married, and I was invited because I was nearly almost friends with the prospective groom and I was good friends with his sister. The party was in a small hotel room and there was stripper. I think the groom actually set it up. I know for sure he paid for it.

The stripper came in and got completely naked, which was kind of shocking to me. I did not expect to see bush that night. It was the 80s and I was probably 20 or 21 years old so strippers still had pubic hair. I felt very awkward and uncomfortable about it, even though the stripper barely even glanced at me the entire time.  She was very attractive, but she arrived with a very large black gentleman. Actually, he wasn't so large as he was FAT. This dude was ROUND.

As part of the act she took my friend Chris (brother of the bride) and laid him down on his back on the floor of the hotel room. Kinda gross. Then she knelt over his head and lowered herself onto his face. There were no panties or anything involved here. While my friend couldn't see anything beyond the mound of flesh in his face, the stripper proceeded to put tons of lipstick all over her mouth. When she was finished she bent down and laid a gigantic kiss on his crotch, spreading bright red lipstick all over his pants.

When they both got up off the floor, you couldn't have gotten the smile off Chris' face with a sandblaster. I've never seen a guy so happy, yet he was totally oblivious to the large red stains on the front of his trousers. As friends, it was our duty to tell him what really happened. Have I mentioned that we are really bad friends?

As it would happen the groom's money ran out and the stripper went on back to her studies. (I assume she was working her way through medical school.) The bachelor party then moved to the bar where the bachelorette party was going on, with all of the girlfriends of the guys in the wedding. Including Chris' girlfriend Sandy. It was then that our duty as friends kicked in. While standing at the bar in full view of his girlfriend, we pointed at Chris' crotch and told him he might want to clean up a bit.

Isn't it great having friends?

Saturday, March 10, 2012


Beautiful weather today.


Thursday, March 01, 2012

Be Nice

Well, I'm starting month three of the new job. If I had to pick one word I'd have to go with "Fantastic."

I spent the first week or so basically just finding my way around. I don't mean "learn where the bathroom is" although I did that too. I mean learning my way around the systems. There were a lot of white-board drawings and handwritten stuff documenting how a lot of the systems around here are configured. Since I needed to learn them I transferred them to an electronic format that I could distribute to everyone. It worked out well, I learned a lot, they replied to me with corrections to my drawings and I learned even more.

I wasn't too busy though, and I was starting to feel conspicuously "not busy." All that came to and end when word got out that if you had a problem with the system I support, send an instant message, an email or just call "this guy." I was "this guy" and boy were people looking for someone to call. I got pushed overboard into very deep water and luckily I learned to swim very quickly.

But even the calls and messages coming from all directions were of a type that I'm not accustomed to. They were nice. When I responded and tried to help, they were grateful. Even if I wasn't helping, they seemed grateful that someone was actually trying to help. At first it seemed like all these people were neglected and just grateful to have some attention. But it's a lot more than that.

All my work experience in IT thus for has been in industrial settings. This means 98% male. And you can pretty much throw in the 2% females too, since they always seemed to be trying to prove they were tough enough for the all-male environment of industrial manufacturing. When guys call for help they usually do it begrudgingly. They don't like that they need to call, they don't like you if your system is broken and they aren't usually very grateful if you fix it. Support calls were often just a series of grunts.

Now at least 80% of my interactions are with women. Mostly doctors and nurses or clinical receptionists. Health care is a profession dominated by women, and in almost every interaction the women are nicer. They sound happy to have someone to talk to about their problem. They seem grateful that you care about their issue. They make jokes and laugh at your jokes. They call you sweetie and honey and say "I love you!" when you fix their problem. I never had a single person tell me they loved me at the car plant. Well, maybe the security guard, but that was during a particularly invasive strip search and I think he was just trying to make me feel better.

It's very disconcerting for me to deal with nice people all the time. I try to be as nice as I possibly can and I always have because you never know when you're going to be asking these people for a favor later. Especially for patience when you screw up something, which I tend to do. A Lot.

I told my boss I was not accustomed to people being so nice because of my manufacturing background, and he said he could take care of it by calling some folks and telling them to be mean to me. I told him I'd appreciate that.