Happy Google Reader Apocalypse!

I hope everyone survived it okay.

I'm on Feedly.

What did everyone else go with?

Hoppa!

Last week my Dish Network receiver started acting poorly, and one day it just started rebooting itself over and over. It had a good life, and showed me lots of entertaining television. (I should have hacked its guts out and recovered the hard drive, since all the recorded programs on it are un-encrpted!)

But I had the Dish DVR for over 2 years and was eligible for an upgrade, so I signed a new 2-year agreement (which I hate to do) and got a Hopper. The Hopper is an interesting upgrade, with three tuners instead of the two that the old Dish DVR had, and a feature called Prime Time Anytime.

This crazy device uses one of the tuners to record every single prime time network show between 6pm and 10pm Central Time! CBS, ABC, NBC and Fox, all recorded. And as an added benefit, if you watch the shows recorded the previous day (as long as it's after 1am the following day) the device skips the commercials automatically. No fast-forwarding, no touching at all. The commercials start, after 2 seconds it shows the little hopper icon and your show comes back on instantly. Very cool.

So I took the opportunity to check out some shows that I hadn't watched before because of lack of space on the DVR or lack of an available tuner or just plain lack of interest.

One show I had never seen before was The New Girl, starring Zooey Deschanel. Now Zooey (whose name sounds like Zoe but I guess is spelled more phonetically but incorrectly unless she actually has the word "zoo" in her name) is very charming in her movie roles but I don't see her being able to carry a series on her extremely thin and undefined personality. (For good Zooey work see (500) Days of Summer and Yes Man.)

Anyway, I found the opening joke of the show to be absolutely brilliant, but I'm not sure if it was in poor taste or not. I haven't had the misfortune of being in this sad situation being exploited for laughs, but someone like Gary might be able to tell me if it is really in poor taste or not.

The opening of the show has three of the four main characters in the living room of an apartment and they are playing with helium balloons. They are breathing in the helium and talking in funny high voices when the fourth person goes into the bedroom to answer a phone call. All three people (including Zooey) take deep breaths of helium into their lungs when the fourth person bursts out of the bedroom with the phone in his hand and says "My dad died."

So the three people with helium voices look mortified as the fourth person who is clearly upset says "why isn't anyone talking?" and all three attempt to comfort him with high helium voices.

Is this joke in bad taste? Intentionally putting people who are in an uncomfortable silly condition into a very serious situation is normally comedy gold, such as John Cleese having to hold a picture frame in front of his naked groin as he explains why he is borrowing his friend's house to the family who rented it the previous week.

Funny is funny, and I am very very difficult to offend, so I wonder if a lot of people found this joke offensive. Luckily (or perhaps not) for those involved in the show The New Girl, I have a feeling not too many people were offended because very few actually saw it.

The rest of the show was rubbish, by the way. Just awful. Good opening joke though.

P.S. Happy April Fools Day and all that. The worlds coming to and end, Blogging is so 2005, blah blah blah. April Fools!

The Outrage Machine

Crank up the outrage machine and let's point it at somebody today. Who shall we target? Let's do Lance Armstrong.

 "He lied!" Everybody lies. Grow up.

 "He took drugs!" It's his body.

"He cheated!" Was everyone else in those races on the level too? Some say if you're at the top level and you're not cheating, you're not trying.

"He hurt cycling!" Almost nobody in the US gave a shit about cycling before Lance Armstrong. There's no question he did more for cycling in the US than anyone has ever done, except for maybe Dave Stoller.

"I gave money to his charity, and now people are saying he's a bad person!" Yes, he's a terrible person who survived cancer and raised hundreds of millions of dollars for the cause of defeating the disease. If he's a bad person, I wish there were a lot more bad people like him around.

"He was a role model for children!" Stop idolizing athletes. Everyone has flaws, especially people who dedicate their life to one very difficult thing like athletics. They tend to be very bad at other things because of neglect. Stop expecting them to be well rounded people.

"I can't think of any more reasons to hate Lance Armstrong! But I still do!" Neither can I! When you watch the news, ask yourself "Do I really care?" You'll quickly realize that until they start talking about the weather, it doesn't affect your life at all.

Lance Armstrong is a guy who from all accounts is a very nice person that used his fame and notoriety to raise money for a good cause. He's kind, generous and extremely competitive. He acted shady in a sport that probably required some pretty shady business. I don't know anything about cycling, and I don't really care to know.

 If we really want to know whether the rest of the cycling world at the time was doping, who would we ask? There's only one person whose word I would accept or believe.

Lance Armstrong's.

My Work Desk Has Become Ridiculous

Bye Ted

COUNTDOWN CLOCK

Nuance

Nuance is not impossible.

I am in favor of responsible gun ownership. I am against crazy ass gun worship. There's a big difference.

I know some of these survivalist nutbags who think all the civilization in the world is going to end soon and the only way they are going to survive is to have enough assault weapons and ammunition to shoot every member of the hordes of people that are going to come after their "supplies" when the shit jumps off. They are EVERYWHERE. You are probably surrounded by them right now.

These people are MENTALLY ILL. It's time to stop glorifying these "survivalists" by giving them their own television shows and start getting them the help they need. I don't know what level of paranoia you have to be to need mental health care, but I think stockpiling weapons and explosives for the upcoming mayan/zombie/nutjob apocalypse is WAY WAY across that line.

Keeping some bottled water and a few power bars around in case of an earthquake or tornado is one thing. Keeping your basement filled to the rafters with saltine crackers and 9mm ammo is another. I think we can tell the difference, right?

I've also noticed all the reactionaries on twitter going fuck nutz crazy about gun rights. Funny how they think the constitution is absolute and unchangeable when you're talking about gun ownership, but when it's about letting gays marry they're all about getting constitutions changed. "Pass those 'Defense of Marriage' amendments, and do it quick before the fags take over completely!" You people need to calm down. Nobody is going to take away your guns. I promise.

Want to talk about people fooling themselves? They really think a glock and an AR15 are enough for them to "take up arms" against their corrupt government? The one with tanks, aircraft carriers, drones and nuclear weapons? Keep up that pretense, Billy Bob. There's some nuance there I think they've missed.

Look, I understand the feeling that if someone comes lurking around your house in the middle of the night intending to do harm to yourself or your family, you want to be able to defend yourself and you definitely cannot count on the police who have more important things to do like give out tickets to people disobeying no right-turn-on-red signs. I get that.

I just think that we can differentiate between people who have those feelings and those who think they need a bunker full of assault weapons and ammunition. That having a safely stored gun in your home to make yourself feel safer, (which in fact makes your home less safe [statistics are a bitch]) is different from someone who sleeps with a loaded 9mm under his pillow.

Guns are kind of like drugs. There are those people who can fire a gun and feel that power and handle it. There are many who cannot. They become like people who get a prescription of vicodins from the dentist and IMMEDIATELY count them to make sure the pharmacist didn't screw them over. That's a person that needs help.

I have no idea how you find those people, nor do I know how you actually help them. If you try, you'll probably get shot. I just know that we have to stop laughing at them and saying "that's how they are." They're sick. It's not funny. It's sad.

6 Fill Ups

I'm Dangerous and I Must Be Punished

Apparently I did something this morning that was so dangerous, so risky and so detrimental to society I must pay the government $139.75 to be punished for my behavior.

What did I do that was so dangerous I need to surrender $139.75 of my (not so) hard earned money? Well, if you look at the list of risky behaviors that deserve such punishment, I obviously must have done something pretty bad.

I could have:

Been driving 30 miles per hour above the posted speed limit.
Passed a stopped school bus.
Been speeding in a school zone.
Failed to comply with financial responsibility (I think this means driving without insurance.)

But I wasn't doing any of those heinous deeds. What dangerous maneuver did I attempt to get away with?

After stopping at a red light, I made a right turn.

I admit it! I'm guilty. Yes, there was a sign posted that said "Right Turn On Green Arrow" and I ignored this instruction and turned on a red arrow. I'm not even sure I would have attempted such a risky move if the driver in front of me hadn't done the exact same thing and I was worried I was holding up traffic. I wasn't in any particular hurry, I was only going to work for pete's sake.

I indicated to the officer that the sign did not say "Right Turn On Green Arrow ONLY," nor was there a sign that said "No Turn On Red" and that is rather confusing, but he disagreed with my logic and said "It means the same thing."

It's no wonder people hate cops. If you even question their authority or their judgement in any way they get very defensive. And it seems like most of the time their entire existence is a waste of resources. Like everyone else, I see people do hundreds of things every day that are dangerous and irresponsible, yet the police seem to be occupied with unimportant minutiae that doesn't help anyone in any possible way.

Maybe I'm completely wrong, and there has been dozens and dozens of accidents at that intersection where people have attempted to turn onto that on-ramp. But I doubt it. Based on the logistics, I doubt there have been any, and if there were the drivers must have been retarded.

So I can take a day off work someday in January and contest this ticket in court and probably lose, or even worse get sentenced to traffic court, wasting another of my days. I have to decide if one of my ten days off per year is worth sacrificing to fight this injustice, or just pay the fucking fine and get on with my life.

I think we all know what's going to happen.

Fantasy

Sometimes I have this weird fantasy about being homeless. No, not a nightmare, just some weird imaginary world where I didn't have a home. I still have the same job, but I have almost no possessions. Could I make it work?

This fantasy is kind of inspired by a comment I read on Tony Bigcharles' blog where someone asked what his bankroll would be if he didn't have any monthly expenses, such as mortgage/insurance/utilities/taxes, 2 car notes, car/health/life insurance, private school tuition for 2 kids, cell, internet, cable, gas, food, dental, student loans, pet care, savings/retirement, maintenance, etc, etc, etc.  I have most of those expenses too.

Inspiration also comes from one of the people that works here in operations. He's kind of an inspirational story that aggravates the shit out of me. We are trying to hire another operator, and management keeps insisting we hire someone with higher education or training. We have hired two so far that haven't lasted over a month each. It's just not that kind of a job. Especially when you consider that the best operator we have is a guy who got his G.E.D. in prison. I wish management would look at the people who are good at the job now and try to find people like them, rather than some picture of a person that's never going to work out.

Anyway, the guy was homeless for a while, and he kind of lived in the office for that while. There's a gym with a shower, there are some empty labs and offices in our suites that he used at night without anybody knowing. It's even pretty safe considering all the keycard with punchpad access that's required to get in the building and each office. There are dozens of restaurants within walking distance and a mall nearby. I think there's even a coin-op laundry less than a mile away.

I wonder how long I could do it, and how miserable it would be? I have a feeling it would be like when I lived in Taiwan for six months. The first couple weeks were great, every thing was a challenge, figuring out how to get around, how to get food, finding things to do besides work. But after that everything became a pain in the ass, figuring out how to get around, how to get food and finding things to do besides work. Your life has routines you aren't even aware of, and you try to form new ones but when that is constantly disrupted it eventually gets frustrating.

Maybe it's just a "Peter Pan" type fantasy where you'd like to abandon all your responsibility and just live one day at a time, only worrying about what to do with yourself and your time. I'm sure I've wasted too much time thinking about it already. This is what my mind does.

I used to know guys who basically did this, but they did it by constantly traveling for work. They didn't keep a home or a car, they hit the road for work and just never came home. They didn't even pay for their own food, they ate on the company expense account. They basically traded their lives for a bank account. They all did have one personal expense. They were all, without exception, heavy drinkers. I don't think that's a coincidence.

But would it be worth it for the money? For me, mortgage/insurance/utilities/taxes/maintenance is probably two grand a month, car expenses are probably five or six hundred, plus internet/cable etc. so at most you'd be saving three thousand a month. If you did it for a whole year, you'd save $36,000. Enough to buy a mid-range car. I like cars a lot, but there's no way I'd go through that for a well-equipped Camry.

P.S. The homeless operator is on his feet now, and doing really great. He has a home and just bought a new (used) car. That's the inspirational part of the story.

Fairness

To be fair to all those people that say the country and the economy are going to go straight down the tubes after Obama won re-election, I said the exact same bullshit when George W. Bush won his re-election.

Wait a minute...

One of My Favorite Jokes

For some reason, this is one of my favorite jokes. It's a very nerdy joke, but here goes:

Bob: "How old is the Universe?"
Dug: "20,000,000,019 years old."
Bob:"Twenty-billion and 19? How do you figure that?"
Dug: "I learned in astronomy class in college that the universe was twenty billion years old, and that was 19 years ago."

Here is a version of it I saw on the internet today that reminded me of it and I laughed:

Vote Republican or You're a Faggot

Seriously? Girly-man? The pink ribbon really helps your case here.

When I was a kid, the worst insult you could call someone was "gay." Second was Jew, by the way.

Of course it happened again a couple days ago, someone attempted to insult me by calling me gay. How exactly is that an insult? I have known lots of gay people, they seem like perfectly decent folks. To me it seems equivalent to calling someone "Australian."

"Hey you! Ozzie! Yeah, I'm talking to you! You're from down under, aren't you!" I know a couple of people from Australia, and they're quite proud of it! Come to think of it, so are the gay people I know.

The funny thing is, when someone calls you gay, they're really just insulting themselves. They're telling you they're homophobic. And being homophobic is usually caused by one of two things. It's either ignorance, or it's latent homosexuality. So the person calling you a "girly-man" is either stupidly uninformed, or is secretly gay and can't come to terms with it. So how is that an insult to me?

Come On Tennessee...Really?

On an election day when it seemed like people running for office were being held accountable for the stupid things they've said or done and the country seemed like it was getting its collective head out of its ass on the subject of marriage equality and bigotry, Tennessee stands alone as the state that made the dumbest move in the country.

Whether it was Missouri, a very conservative state rejecting Todd Akin or Richard Murdoch in Indiana, voters seemed to be holding politicians accountable for their statements.

Akin, of course, famously said that women who get "legitimately" raped can't get pregnant because their body "shuts that stuff down." "That stuff" presumably is the icky and mysterious inside parts of a woman that makes him squeamish. The inference being that either all women who claim to get pregnant via a rape are lying about being raped, or even worse that they were somehow asking for it. No matter how you slice it that opinion is reprehensible and Akin's political career went up in flames almost immediately.

Murdoch, on the other hand, said that a woman getting pregnant from a rape was "god's will." You should know better than to say things like that! The voters sent this ignorant jerk home last night. I understand the religious cop-out that when something bad happens it's "god's will" but come on, use your head here man! Don't say that it's god's will for women to be raped! Everyone knows that sounds bad!

It might seem that it's cruel to end these guys' careers over one comment made off the cuff. But think about it....shouldn't they know better than to talk about rape so casually? Rape is an EXTREMELY sensitive topic and they should have their policies and their feelings on the subject well thought-out and they should have the ability to be very clear about their positions on difficult concepts. If they were unprepared to speak clearly on such a sensitive issue, are they prepared to be leaders of the people? Seems like they're not.


The thing we need most from our leaders is good judgment. And these guys demonstrated that they don't have it. Period. So being rejected by states that would otherwise seem to embrace them is a good thing.

And speaking of good things there's Maryland and Maine voting to legalize marriage equality for homosexuals, and even Colorado legalizing marijuana for recreational use. A lot of the country really seems to be making progress*. 

But then we come to Tennessee. Still representing the south, still backwards as hell. Middle Tennessee folks elected a man to congress named Dr. Scott DesJarlais.  DesJarlais, a medical doctor, is a pro-life, anti-choice Republican, as most Tennessee politicians are. But when this guy got his mistress, who happens to be one of his patients, pregnant he pressured her to get an abortion. Seriously! A MEDICAL DOCTOR got his MISTRESS, one of his PATIENTS, PREGNANT. I'm not a doctor, but don't we know what causes this? Then THE PRO-LIFE REPUBLICAN talked her into getting an ABORTION, and RECORDED THE CONVERSATION. Another mistress, who was another one of his patients (!), claims that he gave her prescriptions for pain medications for recreational use, which is why she was involved with him. Are any of those things red flags? Does this sound like the kind of responsible individual we need representing our state in congress?

Come on Tennessee! You're better than this! What the fuck?


*(If you think that's not progress, you're stupid. Gay marriage and smoking pot never hurt anyone. If you think they should be illegal you're just plain wrong and please go back to the 50's. It wasn't wrong then either, but you'll have more company. I'm not gay and I don't smoke pot. I don't stand to gain anything by the legalization of these things. It's just the right thing you do, and every reasonable person knows it.)

Fuelly

Poised

Shadows are getting long after work these days. I suppose after daylight savings ends this weekend I will be driving home in the dark.

I still love my little car, even moreso after my long trip last week. It has its quirks, I was a little worried when the seat got stuck in the recline position and wouldn't come back up. The idea of driving for a lot of hours without any back support was not exactly thrilling, but the seat finally cooperated and fixed itself. I just signed up for Fuelly, which is a website that tracks your fuel mileage. There's a smartphone app to input your fuel-ups. I also have been using Waze, a very cool traffic/GPS application for smart phones. I have even been notified of upcoming police sitting in speed traps, which is worth the price of admission. Which is free.

Scooting weather is officially over, for my commute anyway. My outdoor thermometer read 25 degrees this morning. Even with all my warm riding gear that's never gonna happen. I'm lucky to have a car I love to drive.

I Call Bullshit

I call bullshit on all the people crying about the replacement referees in the NFL.

All I would hear every week of a normal NFL season is how each person's favorite team is getting fucked by the officials, that every call against their team is a bad call, and every call in favor of their team was justice handed down from god himself.

Now I keep hearing the replacement officials are doing a horrible job. Really? Based on what people have said up until now is it even POSSIBLE for the officiating to be worse? Are they not bringing the game to a screeching halt every 10 minutes to go look at a replay? Because I see absolutely no difference. I'm not seeing any more coaches' challenges, I'm seeing every single turnover play called either right or wrong and being upheld or overturned by replays.

Yes, I am seeing tons of missed calls, and tons of wrong calls, and tons of silly calls. But there was ALWAYS tons of them. Has anything changed?

I've never heard anyone say "wow the officiating in this college game is so much worse than the officiating in the pro league." Because NOBODY EVER THOUGHT THAT. Nobody ever said "this ref will never make it at the pro level." Nobody even knew or cared where officials come from.

Admit it. If you didn't know there was a referee lockout/strike or whatever it is, you wouldn't even notice a difference in the officiating in the NFL this year. You'd say it sucks, because it always has sucked. Only now it sucks, and you have to hear the asshole announcers talk about "regular officials vs. replacement officials."

Those poor assholes have to fill four hours of football every game when the action only occurs for about 15 minutes of that time. Don't give them such an annoying subject to talk about! They are desperate for something to fill that time with. To them this is a gift. A painfully annoying gift.

Last I heard everyone hated officials. Why is everyone suddenly so in love with the referees they hated so much when they called your favorite team for holding last year? I've never met anyone that liked officials. Are they the guys who loved being hall monitor in school?

The officials union and the NFL have a disagreement, and they will eventually get it worked out.  The replacement referees will do an equally shitty job until that happens. If you have a problem with that, get over it.

Realization

I used to think I was the magic frog in an ordinary garden. I realized I was an ordinary frog in a magic garden. It's so much better. Tnx GBS.

A goat standing on his house

Enjoy!

I am not a cat person

But this is one of the coolest things I have seen in a while:

RIP Tony Scott

Tony Scott directed one of my favorite films, True Romance, and by doing so made Reservoir Dogs possible. He chose to end his life rather than suffer the slow, painful and degrading death due to inoperable brain cancer.

Rest in peace.