My Twitter Greatest Hits

Is the song "Stairway to Heaven" offensive to handicapped people?

Hard work never killed anybody, but I'm still not willing to take the risk.

How can Glenn Beck be cancelled? His audience must be the truly stupid, which seems like a very desirable demographic, doesn't it?

Charlie Sheen should be happy. Glenn Beck leaving Fox makes Charlie the second craziest person to lose his television show this year.

I watched the first 3.75 hours of "The Ten Commandments" last night but fell asleep for the last hour. Now I'll never know how it ended.

Sony's slogan for the PS3 is "Do Everything" Apparently "everything" includes "gives away your personal info and maybe credit card numbers."

How does anything STOP trending on twitter? Whenever anything is trending, I click it and all I see is posts that say "why is x trending?"

"Orly Taitz" sounds like something Miami Don does to women he picks up in casinos. "I got behind her and gave her the ol' Orly Taitz."

Wow, all the birthers still hate Obama for some reason. On an unrelated note, Obama is still black.

I wonder what percentage of Americans know that the reason foreign people call us "Yanks" is because it's a wonderful double entendre?

Solving a complicated problem is sooooo satisfying. Until you are completely stymied by the next simple one.

Caffeine is an appetite suppressant. You know what else is an appetite suppressant? FOOD.

Newt had a half million debt at Tiffany & Co.? Dude must have fucked up BAD. Or a lot. Or both.

I'm beginning to think that the best way to prepare for the rapture wasn't maxing out my credit and spending the money on hookers and drugs.

I hate wrestling. I'm just completely bitter. It's fake violence for children. Yet somehow online poker is so horribly wrong it's illegal.

Coworker to fat guy: Did you steal my cake? Fat Guy: Why are you asking me? Coworker: If I was looking for a comb I wouldn't ask a bald guy.

My solution to the content theft problem on the internet is to make my content so bad people won't steal it. Problem solved!

"The Sound of Music" is the most romantic 'guy who fucked the nanny' story of all time.

Fox News has a zero-tolerance policy for on-screen errors? They need a zero-tolerance policy for on-screen fuckwits.

Diana Ross sewed the first American flag with the firing pin taken from her .45 caliber Smith and Wesson automatic. #PalinHistory

TN just passed a law making it illegal to post offensive things on the internet. Penalty is $2500 and 1 yr in prison. I'm deleting my blog.

Everyone who wears more protective gear than me when riding a motorcycle is paranoid. Everyone who wears less than me is a complete maniac.

If you want a joke, here's a one-liner. "I'd rather be waterboarded than read Dick Cheney's new book."

Maybe this is funnier: "Read Dick Cheney's new book? I'd rather be shot in the face."