Handsome

Someone called me "handsome" today. Well, they didn't really call me handsome, but they  implied it. Maybe I just inferred it. Whatever. I'm taking credit.

Of course they may not have meant it, there's a chance they were just being polite, or having fun at my expense. I'm choosing to not see it that way. I'm choosing to believe that this person genuinely feels that I am a handsome guy. Guys know there is something special that happens in your head and your heart when someone special calls you handsome. There's no feeling in the world like it.

I don't consider myself handsome. I felt uncomfortable when they said it, as though they may be playing a practical joke, or I was some kind of fraud. I do feel like I am looking a lot better these days than I have in the past. I got lasik surgery a few years ago. I've lost nearly 20 pounds since I started working on it last summer. I've found a hair style that I like and my hair has a salt and pepper look that I'm not unhappy about. I'm turning 44 on Sunday, I'm glad to have hair at all. I know some guys in their 20s who would be thrilled with my hair.

Until these things started happening, not only did I not consider myself handsome, I really feel I was ugly. I avoided mirrors, and photographs were out of the questions. For someone who loves taking pictures, especially of people, I appear in very few. I always saw a double chin, crooked squinty eyes hiding behind ugly glasses, and raggedy curly hair that never ever looked stylish. I looked like the nerd I was. Revolting. So even the possibility that someone might think I'm handsome is a gigantic upgrade.

I don't even know what it means to be handsome. But there's a chance I am looking better these days. When I went for my job interview with this company I dressed up very smartly with a bright blue pressed shirt and very snazzy tie, navy blue slacks and comfortable but decently dressy shoes. I caught myself in a full length mirror and thought "not bad." I almost thought I was handsome, and that confidence really worked well for me in the job interview. I was definitely dressing up my hand. But the bluff worked.

Still, I'm not handsome. I need to lose another 20 pounds at least, and my eyes, while a decent shade of blue, still make me cringe if I see them at the wrong angle. My adorable double chin is still there, helped by a scar I earned when I was four. I still look pudgy and boyish, which at my age and weight, is not awful. But I can do better.

Sorry no pics so you can't judge for yourselves. Looks are superficial anyway. That's what all ugly people like me say.