Monday, April 09, 2012


The last time I was in a bar I ordered a beer. I like beer. It gets you drunk! When I ordered the beer there were two bartenders who heard me order, and they laughed at my pronunciation. Why did they laugh? Because I pronounced the name of the beer right. See, in Tennessee, you are unusual if you say things correctly.

And don't fuck with me on beer names. I am the beer fucking MASTER. You could almost say that beer is my middle name. Except it's actually Robert. But wouldn't Beer be a cool name?

The bartenders were cool about it, repeating my pronunciation and pulling on the tap. Stella ARRR-TWAH! I normally go for more amber colored beers, but I like Stella a bit and I saw the tap and thought what the hell. I had already had a couple and something lighter sounded good.

One of the laughing bartenders had a peculiar kind of accent, especially for Nashville. I asked where he was from and he said Scotland! This was only strange because I was in an Irish pub. I was happy though because I got to use my favorite (only?) Scottish joke which I think I heard from Mike Meyers. "What's Scottish for foreplay? Brace yourself!" He may have laughed. Although the more I think about it he may have scowled.

The other bartender did laugh at my joke. She was the reason we were actually there that night as one of my bar-hopping companions has a humongous crush on her. No matter where we start out we end up at this Irish Pub so he can get some attention from his favorite barkeep. At first I thought it was so he could smoke, since this is the only place I've been in Tennessee where you can smoke indoors. But after a few beers he told me the real reason. He even knows her schedule. Kinda creepy.

It's kind of shocking to me how the attractiveness of the wait staff can play such a vital role in the success of a restaurant/drinking establishment. It had not previously occurred to me that having a few good-looking and friendly folks working the floor can make the difference between people choosing your place to spend their after-work happy hours. I never really decide where we are going when I join the work folks for after-the-day libations. I had no idea how the decisions were being made.

It must make the hiring decisions at those places very difficult. I guess the lesson is if you have Jennifer Anniston waiting tables at the "Flingers" of which you happen to be the lunchtime manager, don't give her shit about the number of buttons on her suspenders. Just shut up and turn up the air conditioning.


Josie said...

I wonder what the barkeeps thought the correct pronunciation would be? Stella Art-Toys?

And yeah, Jen Aniston has enough flair without needing to pin anymore on. I once dreamt that I roomed with Jen Aniston in Vegas - and we had a ball suntanning together....don't think it gets better than that as far as Vegas roomies go.

JT88Keys said...

Did they serve your Stella Ar-TWAH in a chalice or just a regular old beer glass?

I like Stella Artois when I'm in the mood for a pilsner. I'd rather have something with a little more body most of the time though. I don't like really dark thick stouts like Guinness, but do like more bocky amber beers.

Gary said...

Here's my favorite Scottish joke. It's best told with a Scottish accent; Josie can vouch for mine if she wishes:

Scottish fella walks into a bar, he's got a steering wheel hanging off his dick. Bartender says "ye've got a steering wheel on yer willie." Guy says, "och, aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Carmel said...

For 6 months a co-worker and I went to a shitty bar every Friday because of a good looking bartender.

leathej1 said...

Beer would be a pretty dumb name. That's like a having a last name 'Franks'. Or even worse, voting for said person.