Holy Pants

I need pants.

Two days ago I discovered three pairs of pants simultaneously needed replacement. One pair broke a belt loop, another pair developed holes that look like they were a manufacturing defect, and the other pair I spilled glue on and ruined. I tried removing the glue but that was a disaster. Maybe sandpaper was the wrong tool to try. At least I fixed the $2 item I was working on, even if I did ruin a $30 pair of pants. Nice work!

Anyhow, now that I've exposed my keen abilities in the housekeeping department, I need more pants. My new job requires pants. The dress code is, well it's not really a dress code. You have to figure out how to dress by feel. There's my office, which is pretty casual, jeans and golf shirts are pretty common. There's an operations center down the hall where it's fortunate if they're wearing clothes at all. If you walked in during third shift it wouldn't be a shock to see cut off shorts and a wife-beater. Down the street is the corporate headquarters. I wore a dressy shirt and tie with slacks and I felt under-dressed. Three piece suits are not uncommon, if you're wearing jeans you better be laying carpet or working on the air conditioning.

The vast majority of my work doesn't require me to go to the corporate headquarters, but I have to go over there occasionally. I think I can get away with bringing some nicer clothes to change into if I have to go over there unexpectedly. Right now I dress nicely if I anticipate having to go over there for something.

I love the idea of wearing jeans to work every day. They're just more comfortable. If you're going to ask your employees to spend a lot of time at an office and they don't interact with the public at all, I think you should encourage them to be as comfortable as possible. But then I really like being dressed a bit nicer in an office environment. It gives that little extra flair of professionalism that makes an office a little bit nicer. Plus I just like looking nicer if I can. I usually compromise by wearing jeans but adding a sportscoat or a pressed oxford shirt. Or I wear khakis or some kind of non-denim pants that are more comfortable than dress slacks.

But where do I go for new pants? I usually try to buy everything on the internet, because 1) I'm lazy 2)It's usually cheaper and 3)I'm lazy. But I've been burned buying pants on the internet before. And when I buy something that doesn't turn out how I wanted there's a 50% chance I won't get around to returning it. Have I mentioned that I'm lazy? I have a pair of pants that I've never actually worn that feel like they're made out of fiberglass. Looked great on a computer monitor, stain resistant even! I don't think you could stain them with a magic marker. They're like dry-erase pants.

So I plan on making all my future pants purchases in person. I wasn't sure where to go, until I found out that the "Million Moms" movement is trying to get Ellen DeGeneris removed as a spokesperson for JCPenny. Now I'm no fan of Ellen. I saw a comedy special of hers over a decade ago and thought she was funny, but I've never seen her talk show. If someone wanted her removed because she wasn't funny I'd be okay with that. Or if they wanted her removed because she acts like a cunt, I'm cool. But they want her removed because of her sexual orientation? That's bullshit. How is it anyone's business who Ellen wants to fuck? Also, don't call yourself "Million Moms" unless there are 1,000,000 of you. There's 40k. At least be honest if you're going to call someone out as undesirable. Wanna know what's undesirable? Liars.

So I'm buying some quasi-dressy comfortable yet still appropriate for the office pants from JCPenny.