Ol Dixie is Down

I grew up in Manassas Virginia. I went to Stonewall Jackson Sr. High. Safe to say they put an emphasis on Civil War history. My parents embraced this. I remember many a family vacation to Civil War battlefields.

Levon Helm died yesterday. The first song I ever heard him sing was "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down." It's about the Civil War, even though it was written by Robbie Robertson, a Canadian. I love the song now as much as I did the first time I heard it. Part of the reason is Levon's amazing voice.

Obviously Levon would never have won a singing contest. Hell, he would be laughed off of American Idol. Which is why I hate American Idol. I would rather listen to Levon sing than anybody that's ever appeard on that show, including the judges.

Very soon after I heard that Levon was sick, I heard that Dick Clark passed away. I love Dick Clark, but he had a foot in the grave for quite a while. Levon's impending death was a shock to me. He even had a date to play here in Nashville in the near future. I was very worried that the death of Clark would overshadow that of Helm. I'm not sure if it did or not.

Either that or Levon wasn't quite as famous as I thought. Not that it's important. People who know music and love good music know that Helm was legendary. He was the only American member of The Band, and his Arkansas accent fit the style of the group perfectly. One might think the band adjusted their sound to go with his wonderful lilting voice.

Just because The Band hasn't played together in a while, that doesn't mean what they accomplished when they were together was any less impressive. I guess when most peoples' memory of a band is called "The Last Waltz" I guess the endless comebacks would be in poor taste.

On the other hand, The Last Waltz is a true work of art. It was directed by Martin Scorcese, and is widely acknowedged as the greatest concert film of all time. I can't believe it took place in 1976. It doesn't seem that long ago. It holds up today every bit as well as it did when it came out. The music is absolutely timeless. If you haven't seen it, check it out, and you're in for a wonderful experience.

Singing isn't all Levon did, he was the drummer for the band, and he was a multiple instrumentalist. He even appeared in movies. You probably don't realize that you've seen him. He was in The Right Stuff. "Have you got a stick of Beeman's?" He had it, and the deal was "Fair Enough."

I'm not as big a music fan as I used to be. I stopped being interested in new music a few years ago. It seems like music is more fractured now, and that music like that of The Band wouldn't have a place in today's system of labeling. It wasn't country, but it had that feel. It wasn't hard rock or southern rock either. It had a folkish sound. Songs like "Up On Cripple Creek" and "The Weight" defy categorization.

Every so often an artist dies and it hits me really hard. Levon is one of them. When I sing along with him on "Dixie" my voice breaks when he sings "They should never have taken the very best." Levon was one of the best.

I Like to Watch

I used to be into watches. Back before everyone and their 9-year old had a cell phone.

For you kids, a wristwatch is something you wear on your wrist that can tell you what time it is. It's like a cell phone but it only does that one thing. And you wear it on your left hand, so that you can wind it with your right. I know! People used to actually wind their watch every day! Imagine how exhausted we were!

I've never owned an expensive watch, but that doesn't mean I haven't spent a lot of money on them. I have owned a plethora of inexpensive watches of many different styles and colors. I was never fashionable though, so it was never about matching a certain outfit or anything. I would just see a watch and go "hey that's pretty cool" and buy it and wear it for a few months until I'd see another...and so on. I chose them for their novelty sometimes. I had one where the numbers went around instead of a second hand. It confused the hell out of people.

I don't really need to wear a watch. I have a cell phone, I have at least two or three computers within 5 feet of me at almost all times. But sometimes I still wish I had a watch on. It's just more convenient that fishing your phone out of your pocket, pressing the right combination of buttons and hoping the angle of the light is right for you to be able to see the screen.

Especially in meetings. You can be subtle and glance at your watch to know what time it is, or you can make a giant production of picking up your cell phone and clicking away at it as if to say to the person talking "Will I need to shave again before this fucking meeting ever ends?" You may still want to do that, but if you are wearing a watch, you have a choice.

What does wearing a watch say about you? I really have no idea. It's really the only completely accepted type of "jewelry" all guys can get away with. But I still think if you wear a Rolex you're a douchebag. I get it, you can blow more on a useless adornment than I spent on my car. Good for you.

An ordinary watch can be kind of stylish, with a certain amount of function. What is the current take on wristwatches? Is it manly? Does it mean you're old fashioned now? Does it imply responsibility? Or maybe it implies a kind of obsessive behavior. Like wearing suspenders and a belt at the same time.

I really have no idea, I just feel a little different without one on my wrist. Like I'm always on vacation or something.
 

I Wish I Were Half As Funny As I Think I Am

Have you ever told a joke just to make yourself laugh?

Today @KatGlimmer tweeted: Me in my meeting: "Why am I here?"

@Dugglebogey replied: @Katglimmer Sounds like a very metaphysical meeting.

And I proceeded to chuckle to myself at this joke for no less than a half hour.

The TSA Is Worthless

Created by: OnlineCriminalJusticeDegree.com

Pronunciation

The last time I was in a bar I ordered a beer. I like beer. It gets you drunk! When I ordered the beer there were two bartenders who heard me order, and they laughed at my pronunciation. Why did they laugh? Because I pronounced the name of the beer right. See, in Tennessee, you are unusual if you say things correctly.

And don't fuck with me on beer names. I am the beer fucking MASTER. You could almost say that beer is my middle name. Except it's actually Robert. But wouldn't Beer be a cool name?

The bartenders were cool about it, repeating my pronunciation and pulling on the tap. Stella ARRR-TWAH! I normally go for more amber colored beers, but I like Stella a bit and I saw the tap and thought what the hell. I had already had a couple and something lighter sounded good.

One of the laughing bartenders had a peculiar kind of accent, especially for Nashville. I asked where he was from and he said Scotland! This was only strange because I was in an Irish pub. I was happy though because I got to use my favorite (only?) Scottish joke which I think I heard from Mike Meyers. "What's Scottish for foreplay? Brace yourself!" He may have laughed. Although the more I think about it he may have scowled.

The other bartender did laugh at my joke. She was the reason we were actually there that night as one of my bar-hopping companions has a humongous crush on her. No matter where we start out we end up at this Irish Pub so he can get some attention from his favorite barkeep. At first I thought it was so he could smoke, since this is the only place I've been in Tennessee where you can smoke indoors. But after a few beers he told me the real reason. He even knows her schedule. Kinda creepy.

It's kind of shocking to me how the attractiveness of the wait staff can play such a vital role in the success of a restaurant/drinking establishment. It had not previously occurred to me that having a few good-looking and friendly folks working the floor can make the difference between people choosing your place to spend their after-work happy hours. I never really decide where we are going when I join the work folks for after-the-day libations. I had no idea how the decisions were being made.

It must make the hiring decisions at those places very difficult. I guess the lesson is if you have Jennifer Anniston waiting tables at the "Flingers" of which you happen to be the lunchtime manager, don't give her shit about the number of buttons on her suspenders. Just shut up and turn up the air conditioning.

Fatso

That infographic was interesting, but the most disturbing thing was that people who sleep only 6 hours a night could gain 14 pounds a year.

Does that make sense to you? It doesn't make sense to me. Unless the extra hours awake are spent eating. Then maybe. Do you burn calories when you sleep? You can lose weight if you sleep through meals maybe.

I think most of the statistics in that infographic may be misleading. You have to consider the details. What kind of people sleep less? What types of freaks and degenerates skew the statistics? Tweakers and drug addicts come to mind. Increased chance of heart disease? If you wake up early to shoot some heroin, I'm thinking that might affect the numbers.

Yesterday while reading the comments on Tony BigCharles' blog, some guy that calls himself "Shrink" posted that he'd never date a woman who had over a certain percentage of body fat. His point was that Tony had no right to dismiss a potential date because of her weight when Tony himself is a mess. Shrink himself was a fitness nut, so being picky about a woman's figure is his right.

Fuck that guy, he's a fucking asshole. Being skinny doesn't make people automatically attractive. If you're skinny and you're an asshole, YOU'RE JUST A SKINNY ASSHOLE.

Shrink is missing out on all the good women anyway, which is fine, more for the rest of us. He can go fuck his weight bench and get ready for his Jersey Shore audition. I mean if you're into fitness and being healthy, that's great. But if you think that's all that matters, go fuck yourself.

To automatically dismiss someone just because of something superficial like having a few extra pounds makes you a HORRENDOUS person. A lot of people are genetically disadvantaged. So they are unacceptable no matter how cool or sweet or awesome they are? Fuck you! They might work twice as hard as you to get to where they are. You're the lazy turd in that case.

I'm not saying people should be fat and unhealthy. But Jesus, give people a break! Life is difficult. There's a reason why so many people are overweight. It's our society, it's how life works. Being overweight is too easy in our culture. We're predisposed to it. We're evolutionarily screwed. We over eat by instinct. We're like a car gas tank that you can overfill. We put in 30 gallons when we need 20, and we attempt to shed the extra by driving around the block a million times. But some of us don't have the time or the willpower to do the driving.

And the last thing people need is some twenty-something douchebag who has the time to spend all day in the gym spouting off about his body-fat index standards. You're just another kind of moralizer. You're automatically concluding that someone is a bad person or lazy just because they have some extra pounds. You're probably wrong, and you're definitely cruel and just plain stupid.

Attraction has so much more entailed than simply someone's physical appearance. If you aren't able to learn that you're in for a difficult life of disappointment. I don't like to generalize, but in my experience fat people are nicer than skinny people. I have definitely come across a few skinny good looking people who think the world owes them something. I knew an NFL cheerleader that liked it when people called her "princess." She was a shallow fucking bitch that got pissed off when guys didn't lick her toes at every opportunity. Not all skinny people are like that, but I don't know any fat people who are.

It's not really this stupid guy's fault either. Every 22-year old guy thinks he wants a supermodel. Because Playboy told him so. Or some other reference that's not obsolete because I'm OLD! But those women don't really exist, and if they did you probably wouldn't want to be near them anyway.

And women? If you think you are attractive just because you're skinny, you're just like guys who think they are attractive because they're rich. All you'll get is guys who only care about your weight, and all those guys get is women who only care about money. Congrats.

Yes, being healthy and good looking is important. So is having enough money and being able to provide. But it should never be the only consideration. If it is, you suck.

Who Needs Sleep?

125 Things

I actually did a "100 Things" post seven years ago. Many of the things I posted in my 25 things are almost exactly the same as in the 100 things. No major contradictions, except maybe about being a picky eater.

http://goberude.blogspot.com/2005/08/100-things.html

I had a pretty funny wtf moment this morning. When I was taking my bath this week the bulb in the recessed lighting above the tub burned out. Of course it went out when I was washing my hair with my eyes closed, so when I opened my eyes it was pitch dark and I was like "What the hell? Did I go blind?"

So I decided to replace the bulb this morning. I needed a step ladder because the ceiling is really high. I have a tall one and a short one but I thought the short one would work. I had to put the ladder inside the tub and stand on the second-top step to be able to reach the fixture. So there I was, wearing nothing but boxer briefs and an Atlanta Braves T-shirt precariously balanced high above a steel covered in porcelain bathtub trying to change a light bulb. If I had fallen I have no idea what the person who eventually discovered my corpse would think. Did this guy do all his home repairs nearly naked?

25 Things About Me

1. When I was a kid I wanted to be a sports photographer. I gave it a shot and it didn't work out.

2. My favorite shoes are Vans, I have dozens of pairs. I don't skate, I just think they're comfortable and cool looking.

3. I'm the youngest of 2. My brother lives in New Hampshire and has two children. He is a lot smarter than me, but also nerdier. Which makes him VERY nerdy.

4. My mother has had dozens of strokes in her life due to a medical condition where blood clots don't break up in her blood stream. Her first came just after I was born.

5. My father is retired and my parents live in an RV and travel around the country. They seem to like it. They have wanted to do it as long as I can remember.

6. I love television. If I like a show I can watch reruns of it endlessly.

7. I quit listening to the radio, but I listen to Adam Carolla's podcast every day.

8. I have no tattoos and 99% of those I have seen are gross.

9. I have a degree in philosophy. I love logic and reason.

10. My favorite places to visit are Las Vegas, NV and Memphis, TN.

11. When I was 4 my father took me to a bar where I fell down and cut my chin which needed stitches. You can still see the scar on my adorable double chin. I believe me father took shit for it for years.

12. When I lose my temper I usually realize halfway through my rant that I'm being irrational. This usually doesn't stop me.

13. I make a lot more money than I ever expected to. I planned on being poor but things rarely go as planned.

14. I like dogs more than cats. I like dogs more than most people.

15. I got my first pet at age 30.

16. I'm not a very hairy person. I usually only shave my face twice a week or so, and my chest is almost totally hairless.

17. My favorite musical artist is Elliott Smith. I am still upset that he killed himself.

18. I have never had sex at MY workplace. I am not saying I haven't had sex at someone's workplace. In a walk in freezer. I am not saying that.

19. I consider myself a picky eater, but there's no food I won't eat. I feel like I have peculiar tastes. I do think that most of the people I know have the diet of 10 year old children. There are actually chicken finger restaurants now.

20. I think the food I cook, when I take my time and do it right, is better than what you can get in 90% of restaurants. I may only cook a dozen dishes, but they are all outstanding.

21. I am upset at Alton Brown for ending the show Good Eats on the Food Network. I learned almost everything I know about cooking from that show.

22. I recently started drinking once in a while after work with the guys. Before this I may have gone without drinking more than one drink at a time for 10 years.

23. One of the reasons I've lost weight over the last nine months is that I cannot tell the difference between being hungry and being stressed out, and I was under a lot of stress recently. Now that it's over I'm trying to continue the trend by controlling portions and eating healthier food.

24. My real name is Douglas, but I prefer Doug or Duggle. My other favorite Douglas is Douglas Adams, who was a bona fide genius. I have been a George Clooney fan since he played Dr. Doug Ross on ER.

25. I love children. Other peoples'. I don't have children because I never wanted to have children.

Strip Club

 I have never been to a strip club.

I never really thought that was unusual until I asked around, and I daresay I've never met another man my age or younger who has never been to a strip club at least once. Even my most religious friends have a story, usually about a friend that dragged them there or a bachelor party they were compelled to attend.

I certainly don't have any moral objection to strip clubs. If guys want to spend their money there and they think it's worthwhile, good for them. I like boobs as much as any guy (perhaps even more) so I certainly understand the attraction. I absolutely do not think I have any moral superiority because I have never been. I don't really have the ability to suspend disbelief enough to be turned on by a woman that's primarily interested in my wallet. Some guys say that's all women, but I respectfully disagree.

I really think I just missed my opportunity. When I was young and horny (as opposed to old and horny like now) I probably would not have avoided going to see naked women. But I didn't really hang out with "strip club" guys. I hung out with "Dungeons and Dragons" guys. And there was nothing hipster cool about being a D&D nerd in the 80s.

I did go to a porno store in Washington DC once that had those booths where you put money in and girls danced behind glass. I was dragged there by some friends! There may have been a bachelor party involved! I would say I've never been more uncomfortable in my life. I didn't go into the booths, I just browsed the dildos on the shelves from afar and high tailed it out of there.

So basically the reason I never went to a strip club is that I was never invited to go to one. Nothing dramatic. More likely pathetic.

Stripper Story

Okay, I had no idea there was a "Hooker Week" or a "Stripper Week" or anything like that going on. I think I'm reading the wrong blogs. Nobody I follow posts anymore. I miss all my poker blogging buddies. I think they all quit their poker blogs and moved onto some other blogs that I don't know about. Or they just Twitter, which is cool. If you have a blog in my blogroll and would like it changed to some other link, let me know and I'll do it. As it is that list is pretty pathetic.

When I heard about hooker and stripper stories I counted myself out because I've never actually recognized a hooker, even in Vegas, and I've never actually been to a strip club. So I must not know any good stories. But! I remembered a story and told someone about it and they said I MUST post it. So here goes.

I went to one bachelor party in my life. My friend's sister was getting married, and I was invited because I was nearly almost friends with the prospective groom and I was good friends with his sister. The party was in a small hotel room and there was stripper. I think the groom actually set it up. I know for sure he paid for it.

The stripper came in and got completely naked, which was kind of shocking to me. I did not expect to see bush that night. It was the 80s and I was probably 20 or 21 years old so strippers still had pubic hair. I felt very awkward and uncomfortable about it, even though the stripper barely even glanced at me the entire time.  She was very attractive, but she arrived with a very large black gentleman. Actually, he wasn't so large as he was FAT. This dude was ROUND.

As part of the act she took my friend Chris (brother of the bride) and laid him down on his back on the floor of the hotel room. Kinda gross. Then she knelt over his head and lowered herself onto his face. There were no panties or anything involved here. While my friend couldn't see anything beyond the mound of flesh in his face, the stripper proceeded to put tons of lipstick all over her mouth. When she was finished she bent down and laid a gigantic kiss on his crotch, spreading bright red lipstick all over his pants.

When they both got up off the floor, you couldn't have gotten the smile off Chris' face with a sandblaster. I've never seen a guy so happy, yet he was totally oblivious to the large red stains on the front of his trousers. As friends, it was our duty to tell him what really happened. Have I mentioned that we are really bad friends?

As it would happen the groom's money ran out and the stripper went on back to her studies. (I assume she was working her way through medical school.) The bachelor party then moved to the bar where the bachelorette party was going on, with all of the girlfriends of the guys in the wedding. Including Chris' girlfriend Sandy. It was then that our duty as friends kicked in. While standing at the bar in full view of his girlfriend, we pointed at Chris' crotch and told him he might want to clean up a bit.

Isn't it great having friends?

Scootish

Beautiful weather today.

Be Nice

Well, I'm starting month three of the new job. If I had to pick one word I'd have to go with "Fantastic."

I spent the first week or so basically just finding my way around. I don't mean "learn where the bathroom is" although I did that too. I mean learning my way around the systems. There were a lot of white-board drawings and handwritten stuff documenting how a lot of the systems around here are configured. Since I needed to learn them I transferred them to an electronic format that I could distribute to everyone. It worked out well, I learned a lot, they replied to me with corrections to my drawings and I learned even more.

I wasn't too busy though, and I was starting to feel conspicuously "not busy." All that came to and end when word got out that if you had a problem with the system I support, send an instant message, an email or just call "this guy." I was "this guy" and boy were people looking for someone to call. I got pushed overboard into very deep water and luckily I learned to swim very quickly.

But even the calls and messages coming from all directions were of a type that I'm not accustomed to. They were nice. When I responded and tried to help, they were grateful. Even if I wasn't helping, they seemed grateful that someone was actually trying to help. At first it seemed like all these people were neglected and just grateful to have some attention. But it's a lot more than that.

All my work experience in IT thus for has been in industrial settings. This means 98% male. And you can pretty much throw in the 2% females too, since they always seemed to be trying to prove they were tough enough for the all-male environment of industrial manufacturing. When guys call for help they usually do it begrudgingly. They don't like that they need to call, they don't like you if your system is broken and they aren't usually very grateful if you fix it. Support calls were often just a series of grunts.

Now at least 80% of my interactions are with women. Mostly doctors and nurses or clinical receptionists. Health care is a profession dominated by women, and in almost every interaction the women are nicer. They sound happy to have someone to talk to about their problem. They seem grateful that you care about their issue. They make jokes and laugh at your jokes. They call you sweetie and honey and say "I love you!" when you fix their problem. I never had a single person tell me they loved me at the car plant. Well, maybe the security guard, but that was during a particularly invasive strip search and I think he was just trying to make me feel better.

It's very disconcerting for me to deal with nice people all the time. I try to be as nice as I possibly can and I always have because you never know when you're going to be asking these people for a favor later. Especially for patience when you screw up something, which I tend to do. A Lot.

I told my boss I was not accustomed to people being so nice because of my manufacturing background, and he said he could take care of it by calling some folks and telling them to be mean to me. I told him I'd appreciate that.

Baseball Philosphy

I used to think I knew a lot about baseball. When I actually played I was a student of the game. I wasn't great but I loved it. I still love watching it, I love the strategy of it. Like Kissenger said, most of the action takes place in your head.

There's a lot to love about baseball. I love the Yankees. I love certain players. My favorite all time player is Lou Gehrig. I was a first baseman through most of little league and high school, but I was more of a defensive first baseman with a decent obp but not much power. I might have had a chance as a middle infielder if I could have thrown a runner out from the hole. I had the hot glove, but the arm wasn't there. But even though I'm right handed I love first base, and I took it very seriously. If a throw got past me I was ashamed. I don't care if it was in the dirt or five-yards wide, I knocked that fucker down or it was my fault, errors be damned.

Another thing I loved about baseball was baserunning. I loved Ricky Henderson. Stealing bases just seemed like such an incredible feat. Talking a walk, stealing second and scoring on a single is so beautiful it feels like cheating. Stealing third and scoring on a flyout is like money from home.  I was no base stealer, but I loved smart baserunning. Watching for fielders out of position, getting an extra base, I was all over it.

When I moved to Kansas City in 2000, it was really great because I was a 20-minute drive from the K. Kauffman Stadium was where the Royals played, and you could go there 82 times a year and see a baseball game. You could see the Yankees and the Orioles and the Red Sox. You could even see the Cardinals if you didn't mind a big crowd. (The Yankee crowds were the next biggest, for sure.) I saw just about every AL team in the three years I lived there. It was ten bucks for a bleacher seat, and I could leave my house at 7:00 for a 7:30 game and still see some warm-ups.

In KC I started following a baseball writer named Rob Neyer. Rob published a lot of baseball columns, and he did a personal column about the Royals, of whom he was a fan. He was a disciple of Bill James and talked a lot about sabermetrics. SABR is the Society of American Baseball Research, and learning about sabermetrics was a real eye opener to me. Sabermetricians basically believe that baseball players and games can be broken down to statistical probabilities based on a players numbers. And that certain numbers are much more important than others. Like on-base percentage and slugging versus batting average and RBIs.

The thing that stung the worst is that defense and baserunning, especially steals, are not important statistics in sabermetrics. That hurt. I loved defense and baserunning, and considered them a quintessential part of the game. Yet here I am learning they are essentially meaningless in the eventual outcomes of the game. This sounded like crazy talk. How could I be so wrong?

Well, of course baserunning and defense matter. They just don't matter enough. In general one player is not statistically better enough at baserunning or defense to outweigh a possible difference in any meaningful offensive statistic. Remember how I was a superior defensive player and put a lot of emphasis on baserunning? It didn't get me far, because those qualities just don't matter as much as being able to put the bat on the ball and making it go a long way. Period. Especially at a position like first base.

Steals are the same. Risking a baserunner that can score on the next extra-base hit costs more than would have been earned by the extra base stolen. So you have to steal successfully at a rate better than 50 percent to make it worthwhile. A great deal more than 50 percent. The risk is generally not worth it.

I always hated the whole "bloop and a blast" philosophy of guys like Earl Weaver, but while old Earl didn't know diddly or shit about sabermetrics, yet he was closer to right than a team that tries to leg out a single, bunt him to second then attempts to poke him in with a line drive. The math just doesn't bear that philosophy out. Walks and slugging are more important priorities.

And walks are insidious. Making the pitcher throw pitches is valuable. Get him tired and hit the hell out of him. Sure there are bullpens full of fresh arms, but bullpens get exhausted in long series, and that brief period when a pitcher starts to get tired are opportunities that cannot be overlooked.

I was completely wrong about what was really important about baseball. Crash Davis said, "strikeouts are boring, besides that they're fascist." Called strikes, balls and taking walks are boring too, but going deep into counts and drawing walks makes it far more likely your team will win. Everyone loves to see an amazing defensive play, a diving catch in the outfield or a shortstop that goes miles into the hole and makes the throw. But those plays are just for the highlight reels, they aren't that important in the long run.

I still love baseball. I can't wait for the season to start. One of the best parts of being a baseball fan is that there's still so much to learn about the game. More opportunities to be wrong.

Drive In

"Business For Sale" is a pretty good flick, but "Closed For Winter" isn't NEARLY good enough for them to be showing it for so many weeks in a row!

Joke

Waffles goes to the mediator with his wife. The mediator, after considering their divorce says, "Mr. Waffles, I've considered your case very carefully. I've decided to give your wife $1000 a week."

"I think your decision is very fair," said Waffles. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

Are the Republicans Fucked?

It seems to me that the Republicans have really fucked themselves in the current presidential election. Somehow they've selected three possible candidates that will eat each other and can't possibly win a general election.

Mitt Romney seems front runner-ish. But he's got some serious problems, which is what gives so much steam to any "non-romney."

I don't really know a lot about the party, but it seems like there's a large group that votes along religious lines, and there's a more secular conservative movement that cares more about fiscal policy and more general social issues not dictated by religion.

The more secular cons like Romney, but he's a Mormon, which most fundamentalist Christians seem to regard a cult. Even the more secular Republicans have to be troubled by Romneycare. If their major weapon in the attack on the current administration is the health care reform act, pejoratively called "Obamacare," it would help if their candidate didn't have a government sponsored health care program of his own.

The other contenders are Santorum and Gingrich. Santorum's name is LITERALLY a gay sex joke. It's very hard to take him seriously since he scares the shit ot of everyone except hardcore fundamental Christians. Not to mention the guy oozes latent homosexuality. His only draw for Republicans is that he isn't a poygamist, and I'm not talking about Romney when I say polygamist. Newt had a $500,000 debt at Tiffany and Co. That's a guy that fucks up BIG TIME or very often. Or both.

And its pretty obvious to anyone watching that Newt is only running for the money. Yes, you cannot make money directly by running for president, but Newt has figured out a way to make being a "former presidential candidate" into tens of millions of dollars in income, so he wouldn't want to win, it would prevent him from making any money. I think that's why Palin never even ran, she couldn't stand to suspend the income long enough to have an actual campaign. Just look at her Governorship in Alaska, it was preventing her from making money so she had to get out.

So part of the party hates Romney and would never vote for him, Santorum scares all the rational members, and Gingrich is just a guy standing at an ATM machine. Which one of these guys is going to beat Obama, whose campaign can be reduced to 7 words; "GM is alive, Bin Laden is dead."

Handsome

Someone called me "handsome" today. Well, they didn't really call me handsome, but they  implied it. Maybe I just inferred it. Whatever. I'm taking credit.

Of course they may not have meant it, there's a chance they were just being polite, or having fun at my expense. I'm choosing to not see it that way. I'm choosing to believe that this person genuinely feels that I am a handsome guy. Guys know there is something special that happens in your head and your heart when someone special calls you handsome. There's no feeling in the world like it.

I don't consider myself handsome. I felt uncomfortable when they said it, as though they may be playing a practical joke, or I was some kind of fraud. I do feel like I am looking a lot better these days than I have in the past. I got lasik surgery a few years ago. I've lost nearly 20 pounds since I started working on it last summer. I've found a hair style that I like and my hair has a salt and pepper look that I'm not unhappy about. I'm turning 44 on Sunday, I'm glad to have hair at all. I know some guys in their 20s who would be thrilled with my hair.

Until these things started happening, not only did I not consider myself handsome, I really feel I was ugly. I avoided mirrors, and photographs were out of the questions. For someone who loves taking pictures, especially of people, I appear in very few. I always saw a double chin, crooked squinty eyes hiding behind ugly glasses, and raggedy curly hair that never ever looked stylish. I looked like the nerd I was. Revolting. So even the possibility that someone might think I'm handsome is a gigantic upgrade.

I don't even know what it means to be handsome. But there's a chance I am looking better these days. When I went for my job interview with this company I dressed up very smartly with a bright blue pressed shirt and very snazzy tie, navy blue slacks and comfortable but decently dressy shoes. I caught myself in a full length mirror and thought "not bad." I almost thought I was handsome, and that confidence really worked well for me in the job interview. I was definitely dressing up my hand. But the bluff worked.

Still, I'm not handsome. I need to lose another 20 pounds at least, and my eyes, while a decent shade of blue, still make me cringe if I see them at the wrong angle. My adorable double chin is still there, helped by a scar I earned when I was four. I still look pudgy and boyish, which at my age and weight, is not awful. But I can do better.

Sorry no pics so you can't judge for yourselves. Looks are superficial anyway. That's what all ugly people like me say.

Whitney

Can you believe Whitney Cummings has two new television shows on two different networks....nah just kidding. I'm not posting about Whitney Cummings. Of course I'm posting about the death of Whitney Houston.

I didn't watch the Grammy Awards show this year. (I've never watched it any year.) I assume it was all about Whitney. Every acceptance speech probably mentioned her. Even Chris Brown probably got a few tears in between punches. But was Whitney's death really that tragic?

I suppose it depends on how you measure life. It might seem tragic if all that matters to you is the length. Her life was relatively short. But maybe if you look at Whitney's life as a whole and in a certain way, it wasn't so bad.

Whitney Houston was a superstar from her early twenties. She was absolutely worshipped, not only for her voice, but for her beauty and her sexiness. She may have been one of the most desirable women alive in the 80's. Her performance of the National Anthem brought cheers from the entire country. She made millions from her recordings. She lived almost her entire life in luxury.

And she partied. She obviously spent a great deal of her time seeking pleasure. Sure, people will tell you that living that lifestyle can be greuling and miserable, but it was probably a lot less so for Whitney. I picture her constantly surrounded by entourage and sycophants. If there was pleasure available to anyone, it makes sense it was available for Whitney.

She didn't select a particularly bad way to go out. I'm not even convinced it wasn't intentional. Zanax plus alcohol until you stop breathing while relaxing in a hot bath sounds like one of the most peaceful exits possible. And if the drugs don't finish the job, the water will. Maybe she hated the idea of growing old and ugly, especially as an addict. Perhaps she was facing a future that held no promise for her. She had flown so closely to the sun that coming in for a crash landing didn't appeal to her.

I know I wasn't much interested in what Whitney Houston was going to do with her future fame. She will be beloved, despite the poor example she evidently led as an addict. If you can sing or dance, you will be forgiven anything. It's all the fault of her DISEASE. She was a good person, deep down. Sure she was.

Whitney had a pretty good life. A lot of folks would probably trade with her. Forty eight years of unbelievable talent and beauty? It's almost a no-brainer.

What's sad and tragic about that?

Get Your Head and Your Ass Wired Together

"These are great days we're living bros. We are jolly green giants walking the earth. With guns! These people we wasted here today are the finest human beings we will ever know. After we rotate back to the world we're gonna miss not having anyone around who's worth shooting." --Crazy Earl

I love movies. I'm practically an addict. Around 1987, my favorite movie was definitely Full Metal Jacket.I had no idea movies could be like that. Subversive, funny, perverse, horrifying, sad, disgusting and beautiful. I learned about magic hour from watching Full Metal Jacket.

I wanted to be a professional photojournalist when I was a kid. I gave it a pretty good shot, I just didn't have what it took to be an artist. I confused artistic talent with technical skill. I had the skill but I never took art seriously. I thought it was fun. When I was working as a full time photojournalist people would ask me how it was I always said the same thing, "It's better than working!" I did some good work and got lucky a lot.

So it didn't hurt that a reporter and photographer for Stars and Stripes featured prominently in Full Metal Jacket. I recall watching the film and identifying the still cameras being used. The director, Stanley Kubrick was a former photographer so the gear, just like everything else in the film, were very authentic.

I even asked a girl on a date because she had a Full Metal Jacket poster in her office/darkroom. She was a photographer at a newspaper where I was trying to get a job. I discovered later that the poster wasn't hers, someone had left it up and she didn't know anything about the movie. She was a nice girl, very bright and a good photographer. But she didn't have much of a personality and neither did I, so we didn't have much going on. I was such a nerd. I don't remember much about the date except that I met her roommates when I picked her up and they were all gorgeous. They were so happy that the girl I was picking up was going out on a date.  

It's funny the things you remember when you're watching old movies. I've seen other films that I like as much or even more than Full Metal Jacket. I remember that Full Metal Jacket poster very well. But for the life of me I can't remember that girl's name.