Friday, October 28, 2005

You might be a donkey if....

In deference to Jeff Foxworthy, I have collected ACTUAL posts from ACTUAL blogs from people who probably should NOT be playing poker.

I decided I was going to find some poker blogs for "less than" successful players out there this morning, and I found some of the things they wrote ASTOUNDING. Most of them should have raised HUGE red flags, unless they were posted sarcastically. Based on the rest of the blogs, I have to assume they were being completely seroius.

If you have ever said or thought one or more of these things, you should seriously consider whether poker is really for you.

So here are the top 16 things I read in poker blogs this morning that made me think that these people might not be cut out for playing poker:


1. Mom knows about my gambling problem but she mostly keeps her mouth shut about it. She always reminds me of what it did to my daddy. But I already logged back in today and played a few hands...

2. I only got $1350 for the Taurus, but that was enough to get me back to the poker tables. If I hit a good run of cards, I can pay some bills and get a better car.

3. I should have walked away right there. Then I hit a bad run of cards and my buddy pulled me out of there...

4. I rolled $60 worth of pennies I had collected over the years and deposited the money into online poker rooms.

5. I haven't told my therapist about my poker problem because she'll just try and talk me out of playing.

6. I have been banned from at least three online poker rooms because of what I type in the chat window whenever I lose.

7. I wanted to throw my monitor through the window, but I still owe my landlord $245 from the last time I did that

8. I can take it as a shot with no EXCPECTATION of winning, just a little hope to get lucky, and when I lose I can deal with it no problem.

9. I have lost patience in doing things the “right” way.. I just feel like I should explore other avenues of thinking sometimes.. Who can say what way is the right way? If I am going to be a maniac I might as well embrace it.

10. I have BEYOND a doubt the WORSE luck of ANYONE EVER! If I had normal person luck, I would be winning twice as many tourneys.

11. SO then I am so fucking pissed off I take my last 460 bucks and put it on a 30/60 table.

12. Play 2/4. Lose 150. Play 5/10. Lose 250. Play 20/40...

13. I decided to take $500 and 'invest' into some higher stakes...(Current Bankroll - $758)

14. I am on a downward spiral and lost another $246 yesterday...I was playing a little out of my bankroll(5/10), but nothing major. (Current Bankroll - $638)

15. I lost about $230 at the $5/$10 tables on pokerstars and lost another $130 at the $100 NL tables on Partypoker.(Current Bankroll - $884)

16. I found out that Bon Jovi is coming here on Valentines Day next year and tickets go on sell tomorrow so I'm definitely taking my wife to that.(I know this one isn't poker related, but still....this person might need SERIOUS help.)

26 comments:

littleacornman said...

Great stuff.I wished you linked to those blogs.I'd love to read more.

ScurvyDog said...

DuggleBogey = Professional Pot Stirrer

DuggleBogey said...

Guilty.

Slayre said...

I particulary enjoyed #7.

Also, the fact that none of those can be attributed to me...

...

Chris Halverson said...

Good stuff. The scary thing is that I know where a couple of those came from...

Thankfully none were from mine :)

Keep it up, this is great.

change100 said...

Genius! It started my day laughing.

TraumaPoker said...

You took a lot of these from one random blog and you even misquoted that one pretty bad. Did you just add words and stuff you thought would make each quote funnier? Why don't you just make the entire fucking quote up?

leathej1 said...

Yeah, you big bully.

Bill Rini said...

http://www.milkandcookies.com/article/1404/

Bon Jovi and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

SirFWALGMan said...

LMAO! Thanks man! I know some of those are mine (some a little out of context), but I am still a better poker player than you DuggleChicken.. and somewhat successful. Hearing from some wildly successful players, I am supposed to lose my few years.. so I feel like I am right on track..

DuggleBogey said...

I don't recall ever saying I was a better player than you, SirWafflesChicken. I will say that I am better at bankroll management than you, do you disagree?

Yes 100-2-Lexus, they are supposed to be funny. Did you just figure that out, or did you realize it when you got to the Bon Jovi one?

Some people laughed, even one person who the joke was at the expense of...you're the only one who got a stick up their butt. Wonder why...

TraumaPoker said...

Stop taking everything I say so serious, getting on your case is my main goal.

Donkeypuncher said...

Tears. Really good shite.

Need more - please!

BSN said...

Whew! Didn't recognize any of mine...

BSN

Dr. Pauly said...

I'm glad that this was one list that I didn't get metioned on.

Hilarious stuff, bro. Keep it up.

Elvis Henry said...

I am very flattered that you find humor in my misery and time of suffering. Littleacornman, you can read the real thing on my blog. It was really meant as a forum for expressing my grief and hard feelings for the game that I love and hate. I was hoping to receive feedback on how to improve my game, but I guess no one gives a shit.

DuggleBogey said...

100-2-Lexus told me you were dead.

Elvis Henry said...

I'm still alive. Read all about it. In the meantime, could you please link to the blogs that you quoted the passages from? You don't even have to do my blog, but at least do the others because I would like to read them in their entirety.

SirFWALGMan said...

I will give you that one.. your better at not going fucking crazy and trying to destroy your bankroll..

Ignatious said...

i second (or third) the request for links to said quotes. i'm obviously reading all the wrong blogs. ;)

Drizztdj said...

I recognized a few of SirWaffle's post in there...

Links especially to the "I still owe the landlord $241 from the last time I did that..." quote would be appreciated :)

Elvis Henry said...

Drizz, that's my blog. Click on my profile and you'll soon be on your way to my personal hell.

Fat Dan said...

I don't see the humor in these comments. In fact I sympathize with everyone who posted them. I wish that I could have $500 to take to the 15/30 game. If I had a bankroll like that....

DuggleBogey said...

Maybe you should sell your Taurus...

Falstaff said...

Thank god I didn't make the sweet 16 on this list. That's funny shit. People looking for sympathy on the internet? Right!

Beck said...

Holy shit Elvis, you have got one serious anger management problem. But then, I'm guessing you already know this. My favorite quote:

"I folded but someone else took him to the river and sure enough, Shit For Brains was playing 5 8. Can you believe that shit? I just want to take melon heads like that and squeeze their tiny dumb fuck brains between a vice and watch them explode their nothingness into the ether."

At least you're a surprisingly creative writer.